Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
You Might Also Like
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
You better watch out
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff