Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
No Google it does not
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Wednesday
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD