My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
dutch so unserious
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious