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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
mariah carrie
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If you know, you know 😂🚔
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide