Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
And now we wait
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
work smarter, not harder
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”