Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes