It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.