Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her