I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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Expectations vs. Reality
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’