My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
A roof is a house hat.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Best spot.. 😅
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.