I have written yet another poem about laundry
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.