DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“You’d better run, egg!”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.