Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.