i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I鈥檒l do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m鈥檚 without the kids seeing.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
馃惔: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.