Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
You Might Also Like
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper