ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
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[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?