Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
english majors be like furthermore
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything