My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*