No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.