Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
This is enough internet for the day.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂