One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
This classic never gets old . . .
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.