Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me trying to “trust the process”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.