Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
When libraries troll their patrons.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.