I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.