When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
At least try to make it slightly believable
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
A bold strategy
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh