My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
You Might Also Like
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch