My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
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My purse is deeper than some people.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway