Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.