If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.