Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks