They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for