Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
You Might Also Like
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.