Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?