Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Tastes like chicken.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My dog ate my work from home.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.