You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Feels
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.