*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
You Might Also Like
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My what?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
oh u like geography? name every lake
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?