Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My dad teaching me to drive
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.