My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.