Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
taking June’s advice to heart
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha