In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters