The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
This is the one
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?