One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Some people were born into their job.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish