Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You Might Also Like
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.