[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or