[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.