That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
The symmetry is uncanny.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.