Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
He’s cranky this morning
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.