Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Waiting for the Charmin
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Sex so good you see dead people.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
want me to check your oil?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news