Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
You Might Also Like
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me