Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo